CONTENT WARNING: SELF HARM
“My story is one that started very simple and unassuming but got out of hand over time. Though I can’t exactly remember when it began, I think back and can see it started when I would get extremely emotional when just driving to a job. Not for any specific reason, but it would be when I had time alone where no one else would see. I was putting on a front every time I was around people, anyone from family, friends, colleagues, customers. It was becoming too much, and soon I started avoiding people because it was exhausting. I didn’t think it was much of an issue, maybe I’m just more of an introvert and choosing not to respond to messages or making up excuses not to attend events.
When Covid hit, I thought that it would be easier as we were forced not to see people, but the feelings didn’t go away, even with my own family I was putting on a front. And once the industry got the ‘keyworker’ status it just got worse.
One day something random happened where I accidently scratched my skin with a keyring on my car keys, and for a brief moment the feelings and the pressure they put on me just lifted. It then became something I chose to do, but I felt so guilty afterwards. Having to hide marks on my skin, there’s only so many times you can make up excuses for being clumsy, pretending to have a cat, or being cold when it’s clearly a hot day. The guilt of my backwards behaviour just made everything spiral even further. And then the panic attacks started, my body screaming at me that it was just all too much. After a particularly bad episode which involved paramedics, my partner found out and I started seeking professional help.
I first opened up to my GP who referred me to a mental health service, and I started taking medication. Months went by, allowing for time for medication to work, tweaking and changing types to start seeing an improvement. It didn’t and my self-harming behaviour started to get dangerous. There came a tipping point where I got trapped in a cycle of thought and behaviour, an episode where I made an important call to the mental health service helpline. I didn’t want to make a fuss, but the professional at the end of the line knew intervention was needed immediately. They sent out a paramedic crew, who took me to a local non-emergency hospital that had this crisis room where I could stay for a number of hours where another person was in the room at all times. I was interviewed and it was decided that I should be admitted to their mental health facility on a voluntary basis.
It was the hardest month of my life. Being away from my children, who were my lifeline, was truly horrific. But in being there, I was monitored and reviewed by psychiatric professionals who could ensure I was safe whilst we worked out the right medicine that would help me. Once I left, the journey was still ongoing but in a more stable way. I was back with the local mental health service and then one day, we found the right medication and everything changed. I vividly remember saying to the practitioner ‘is this how normal people’s minds are?’ For my whole life there had been so much noise in my head all the time, like my thoughts and emotions were a constant storm at sea and I was helpless on a little boat. This medication calmed the waters and suddenly life was much smoother sailing.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression with OCD and Bipolar tendencies. If I had understood earlier that what I felt wasn’t OK, then I could have seen someone earlier and communicated better what I was going through.
I live with a mental health disorder, and that I suspect will be the case for the rest of my life. I’m not exactly happy about it, but I know the support network that I can lean on if things start to take a downward turn. Letting it get so bad was a mistake but one that I have learned from.
I’m still in the job I love, in the pest industry which is one of a kind, but with a much clearer understanding of who I am and what my limits are. If I had to give anyone advice, it is to seek out professional help either from the NHS or from charities like Mind early on. It may seem trivial to you or that you are just a burden when there are other people suffering far worse in the world. But you matter, and it may be that you are taught something that will change your life for the better.”